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10.Chinese Characters
The Chinese character is to the tattoo craze what bellbottoms were to disco fashion. Seems like everyone's got one. And most of the time, they mean something stupid-- luck, loyalty, sexy. Usually, these are words that the wearer would never tattoo on themselves in English. But since it's a pretty Chinese character, it's all good. People in China see these tattoos as a bit silly in the same way an American might find a tattoo of an English word a bit strange. The dumbest one I've seen in China is a Westerner with a tattoo with the single-character "yo" on her lower back. This means "have." What? I've also read about a Westerner bringing his new kick ass "blood and guts" Chinese tattoo to China to find out that it actually translated to "blood and intestines." Wearers of Chinese character tattoos relish being asked, "Hey, what does your tattoo mean?" I'll tell you what it means. A Chinese tattoo means that the wearer got inked in the late 90s/early 00s, when Chinese letters seemed like a sweet idea. It also means, most definitely, the wearer is not Chinese.
9. The Jailhouse Tat
When your hands are up against a wall and one con holds you down while another has his way with you, an intimidating jailhouse tat may seem like a good idea. In jail, a tattoo like the one to the right serves two purposes. First, it wards off rapists and second, it endears the other members of the racial faction to which you belong. A jailhouse tat, especially one advertising white power, is all about dramatic and shocking displays, a la Derek Vinyard in American History X. The problem with jailhouse tats is that no matter cool or scary they may look out in the yard during "rec time," what about when you hit the bricks, return to your family and your little daughter has to explain to all her friends at the pool party why daddy has a multi-colored, shaded bubble swastika on his chest?
8. The Teardrop
Typically a gang tattoo, the teardrop is regrettable for two reasons. This small tattoo makes the wearer appear to be crying. Why? Because in America, the teardrop signifies the wearer murdered someone. So the first layer of regret is in the remorse the wearer feels for his misdeed. But the second form of regret comes when the wearer wakes up one morning and thinks to himself, "Wait a second, everybody in the whole world now knows that I'm a killer. Just because of this stupid little teardrop on my face." Then the real regret sinks in. Imagine one of these teardrop ex-killers on a job interview. I wouldn't even want to take a spicy chicken sandwich from one of these guys at Wendy's. Interestingly enough, in Australia, the teardrop means something totally different. It is inked onto child molesters in prison against their will in order to mark them for regular beatings and rapes. Talk about regret.
7. Anything on the Ankle
Popular with women, ankle tattoos are for those who want the allure of a tattoo without the flagrance of something more outstanding. The ankle is the spot for something pretty and small like a butterfly, star, fairy or a dolphin. Those tatted on the ankle tend to be more into the art of the tattoo than the badass factor. The regret involved with these tattoos stems less from the content of the tattoo and more from the fact these people, years after they thought they were "out there" for getting inked, are now left with these subtle and somewhat lame designs on their ankles. Ankle tattoos don't really get any respect in tattoo world.
6. Barbed Wire
The barbed wire armband is a meathead favorite. This tattoo can be found where people are working out, in New Jersey and pretty much anywhere there are white guys. The barbed wire tattoo gives off a sense of toughness and not surprisingly, the wearer of this tattoo normally is someone who is into being tough. Like the gentleman shown in the photo, many wearers of this tattoo do not have the type of bicep to create the desired effect of the barbed wire band. Ideally, the barbed wire winds around a massive, toned bicep so that, symbolically, it secures something begging to be unleashed. Nothing says, "I got a tattoo in the late '90s" like the barbed wire arm band.
5. Anything on Mike Tyson's Body
Many people before getting a tattoo will say that they want "something for me", a tattoo that is not out in the open for everyone to see. Mike Tyson, never one to conform to any standard of normality, decided to do the opposite in 2003 when he revealed his new facial tattoo. I'll give Iron Mike credit for being original, as facial tattoos until his had not made their way into the mainstream. However, what a regrettable tattoo.For every family photo, first date and business meeting for the rest of his life, Tyson must show up with this permanent cave drawing on his face. There is no wiping this one clean. I say "anything on Mike Tyson's body" because his other notable though lesser known tat is the portrait on his right shoulder of Chairman Mao Zedong. While again, this is a pretty unique tattoo, to pay homage to Mao with a tattoo is a bit fucked up. In China however, Tyson is well-known for this tattoo and is quite popular as a result.
4. Something Tribal
I call this tattoo "something tribal" because at the turn of the millennium, in the midst of the tattoo craze, when I'd ask most dudes who wanted a tattoo what it was they wanted, the most common response was, "something tribal." The irony of these tattoos is that there couldn't be anything less "tribal" about the people who get these tattoos. The tribal arm band is probably the most common tattoo of this recent golden era in tattooing. This tattoo crosses all racial lines and can be found most commonly on NBA players, rockers and guys looking to be a bit more rugged. I think most guys who saw themselves as renegades by getting a tribal arm band would probably now be disappointed in how common and ordinary this tattoo has become.
3. The Tramp Stamp
Admittedly one of my favorites back in the day, this tattoo has lost any and all of the charm it once had. Not because it isn't sexy. Rather, it seems like every single girl has one of these. Frankly, it's gotten played out. The popularity of the tramp stamp owes itself to the simultaneous popularity of low-rise jeans and the thong. The three of these trends working together have made the lower back into possibly the most enticing region of the female body. In considering the prevalence of the tramp stamp, one cannot ignore the contemporaneous rise in popularity of rear-entry sex. The fact that a woman would focus on this area has made it profoundly appealing to men. The tramp stamp is always symmetrical and can be found anywhere a girl 18 to 30 leans over. While maybe not so regrettable now, in 40 years when there is an entire generation of elderly women with stretch-marked, leathery tramp stamps, perhaps then the tramps will wish they hadn't been stamped.
2. Something Misspelled
Well buddy, you may have been awesome had your tattoo artist not fucked up royally. Now you're just stupid. For the rest of your life. Just because you know how to spell your tattoo, doesn't mean your tattoo artist does. And from my short-lived viewing of that tattoo reality show on A&E, tattoo artists are not the brightest of folks. No matter how funny your tattoo might be, having a misspelled tattoo is far from awesome.
1.Your Lover's Name
Along with getting involved in a land war in Asia and going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, getting a tattoo of your lover's name is one of the world's classic blunders. That's why this tattoo is the #1 Most Regrettable Tattoo. The most famous wearers of such a tattoo are Johnny Depp, who inked "Winona Forever" on his right arm while dating Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie who got a "Billy Bob" tattoo when she dated Billy Bob Thornton. Now Johnny should have known Winona wouldn't be forever when he indelibly tattooed her name. Months after they broke up, he had the tat changed to "Wino Forever." Jolie had the "Billy Bob" lasered off her skin as seen in the photo to the right. Getting your lover's name tattooed on your body is the ultimate display of commitment. However, in this age of short-lived romances, it just doesn't pay to mark yourself with the name of a significant other. Worst case scenario, you are left with a constant reminder of an ex. Best case scenario, you alter the tattoo and are left with something as dumb as "Wino Forever." So when you're thinking of how to show your partner how dedicated you are, get something that is easily removed and discarded. Like a wedding ring.
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