Jocelyn Wildenstein The "Bride of Wildenstein" is a former rosy-cheeked Swiss fraülein, who attempted to win back her philandering, big-game-hunting husband by morphing into one of his beloved cats. Countless cosmetic mishaps later, Wildenstein´s mangled mug appeared less lion than lionitis. She´s since reconciled with her ex, but the only thing we´d stick this cougar with is a tranquilizer.

Donatella Versace "Bee stung" doesn´t begin to describe those lips. Neither does "insurgent," "raft-like," or "as dangerously distended as Ted Kennedy´s lower intestine." There´s no telling what foreign substance is filling those mud flaps of hers, but you can bet it´s illegal in all but South America.

Ace Frehley Would be best served if he permanently tattooed his Kiss makeup to his face. The man´s plump, receding features, crater-pocked complexion, and general I-spent-my-youth-sweating-under-a-buttery-mask-of-oil-based-concealer appearance is seriously making it hard for us to sleep at night, let alone party every day.

Gary Busey Granted, a near-fatal motorcycle accident precipitated much of his facial reinvention, but Busey hasn´t helped himself with a series of alleged tweaks that have made his teeth appear as big and bright as dinner plates and his eyes bulge like an oxygen-starved pup. Good thing his calm, gentle manner with children and animals will defuse any public panics.

Diana Ross What is it with aging Motown stars trying to dial their faces back to the ´60s? If she wants to riot-diet her way to a popsicle-stick figure, kudos. But alleged facial manipulations have left Diana—excuse us, "Miss Ross"—a crumbling, fissure-faced ringwraith. In other words, a harrowing preview of Nicole Richie, circa 2035.

Wayne Newton Who´s that clown in the Wayne Newton mask? Oh dear Lord, it´s the Pope of Las Vegas himself! Apparently years spent entertaining America´s most desperate, culturally vagrant women drove the ol´ crooner to shoot himself in the face with a muscle-paralysis gun.