You had to have seen it coming. I mean, we couldn’t have a Top Ten Manliest Superheroes without a Top Ten Un-Manliest Superheroes could we? Well, we can’t, and you shouldn’t expect anything less from our blatant attempts at mediocre sensationalism.

In case you missed a few weeks ago, here’s a link to our Top Ten Manliest Superheroes. I recommend you read that before you read this, cause you can’t know what a manly man isn’t unless you know what he is. Oh, and lets all just remember that this is for fun people? Got it? Great, good, on to the insanity.

9. Iron Fist –

I really hate to include him on this list but…it must be done. Let’s face it, he wears little yellow booties. The dragon tattoo on his chest is ok but his lemon-lime color scheme has him looking like a spokesman for Sprite. His real name is Danny Rand and as the Iron Fist he was part of a duo back in the 70’s called Heroes for Hire. Danny was always the ‘bitch’ of the duo. Luke Cage, his partner, had him by the balls and where Luke led, Danny followed. Now that’s not very manly.

8. Thor –

Thor was one of the first ones I knew had to be on this list. It’s a running joke in the Marvel Universe that he’s a ‘metro-sexual’ through and through. He reads Wedding Monthly and has long blond hair that he must condition constantly to keep it looking as nice as it is. Shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, rinsing, and repeating are not manly activities. Throw in his usual hippie attitudes and you have a fairly girly man there. The boy wears knee high boots, tight knee high boots. You just can’t be that manly when you cry at weddings.

7. Shipwreck –

Shipwreck’s one of the GI Joes and is only a Navy Petty Officer. Not a SEAL or anything, Shipwreck is the designated boat driver. Never mind the obvious point that being the chauffer for real badasses like Duke and Snake-Eyes is unmanly, his name is freaking SHIPWRECK! Who the hell hires a boat driver that has a nickname Shipwreck? What the hell were they thinking? Finally, the man dresses like he’s in the YMCA. Shipwreck doesn’t just work hard, he plays hard too.

6. Archangel –

Warren Worthington the third was one of the original X-Men, and where did that get him? A stint on the B-lister team the Champions, that’s where. Maybe his power of flight alone wasn’t enough to give him the A-list credit? Beast was one of the Avengers for heaven’s sake, pun intended. Warren is a spoiled rich kid who happened to have wings on his back. That’s it. Didn’t he feel just a bit out of place with the likes of Cyclops, Iceman, etc. who had real powers? I mean come on, flight? And not even real FLIGHT! But only the limited flight his wings could provide.

This forced him to do things like shoot bazookas at his enemies all the time or get stuck with ‘scouting’ duties. I can picture it now:

Cyclops: “Gee Angel, why don’t you go scout out the scene while we fight the bad guy?”

Angel: “But I scouted last time. I want to help you guys fight.” 

Cyclops: “Yeah, about that…listen, we really need a scout…please stop crying.”

5. Bruce Banner –

Now, I know the Hulk is very manly: smashing things, running around half-naked, and generally being pissed off, but Bruce Banner is his unmanly alter-ego. If the Hulk is very manly and the Hulk is everything Banner isn’t then it’s obvious that Banner is very unmanly. Left to his own devices, Banner would sit inside all day pining away for a girl, Betty Ross. He’s bullied by everyone around him, including Ross’ father General Ross.

General Ross, a real manly man, realized the horrible feminist tendencies in Banner and set out to have him destroyed. I think it is because of this, and not the Hulk at all, which is the real reason General Ross tried to kill him. I mean if your daughter eventually fell for the weak and puny Banner, wouldn’t you try to kill him too?

4. Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic) –

The man is the ‘dad’ of the Fantastic Four and while fathers are normally manly, this one can be considered as manly as Rosanne Barr is skin